Missing grandpa Ralph Zane Parks

 

I'm a Babushka.

I'm holding a baby in my arms, and she feels so good. And I'm saying to her mother, "I'm a grandma now, I'm a Babushka!" The mother is from Ukraine, and we talk walking back from the school. I love talking to her because she's a new American and I'm teaching her about how fucked up America is. She didn't know that you have to be born in America to be a president. Her son and daughter can be president, but she can't. 

park

My girlfriend was cleaning out the kitty litter box. The smell was unbearable.

I hadn't been outside, and I like to get outside even if I don't have to for external reasons. So I walked to the park. I was afraid a bunch of people would be there, but it's strangely empty in the morning, even in the summer when kids have off. I thought about how the world has changed, screens have come to dominate our lives. I read an article about a canoe rental place, and the guy said that rentals went down when VCRs came out. I love screens, but I worry primary experience is lost, and that's something I feel when I go for a walk outside, like why don't I do this more.

Like the chain of thought: When my friends showed me their $3K watches, I thought about a Peter Singer Ted talk about how you should give money towards world hunger. Then I thought about how I need to be more generous, how I could look at the New York Cares website and find something to volunteer for.

So I sat down on some benches. There were bottles all over the place. Kids couldn't be bothered to throw away their drinks. Quite a mess. I think about David Sedaris picking up garbage along the English country side.

I wondered at my lack of will power on the weekends. Is that a self fulfilling prophecy or is it just description of available resources?

Then I wondered if there was a way I could think about it that wouldn't take up my energy in anger. I thought about how I have taught my sons not to litter, and that's about the biggest influence I have.

Then I wanted a book and called my girlfriend. She didn't pick up because she was cleaning the kitty litter box. I thought about my own dependency tendencies, ashamed I'd even thought to call her.

When she texts me later asking why I called, I asked if she was busy, and she said yes, she was busy. I confessed to wishing she would solve my bookless problem.

Then I walked home. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go shopping. I decided against it, and came home. It still smelled, but she was done soon.

crossed wires

There's the combination of outrage at myself and at my ex, when I realize that when I've gone over to pick up my children, and they are not there. I have not communicated effectively enough with my ex, and my ex has taken advantage of the situation. They probably had something good planned,and I am happy for them, for rich activities. But the pang of not getting my sons when I expected them. The walk home has loneliness and confusion. How much blame should I accept? I can only control myself and I vow to communicate better. There is no need to blame, but focus towards solutions in the future.

When my ex doesn't pick up the phone I momentarily panic because I fear she has taken the children and absconded. That is just the panic talking, I realize, and then I realize that that fear inside me is quite unpleasant, how fragile and vulnerable the central part of my existence is. Is it the media's fault for putting such examples into my head, or am I being realistic that that is a true possibility. I decide it is not realistic, and most likely, I feel the dread of once again not communicating effectively with my ex.

I have created this relationship that will forever be one of pain for both of us. I could have done things better, and treated her better, and avoided all the pain that we have inflicted on each other. There still would have been pain, but I've increased it by the way I left her. But I forgive myself for not doing something perfectly, something hard that many people don't know how to do right. I forgive myself for not being more skillful at avoiding pain in others, even though that is a central concern of mine. I'm am a very flawed human, who also loves and misses his children when he expects them, and they are not there.

Then what are my feelings about the disappointment with my girlfriend. She is very important to me, and we'd made plans for the time with my boys. She has outsider status, she's the father's girlfriend. They have known her for a long time, and they quite like her, but they also resist her, and that has hurt her. I resisted my step father, and I always felt guilty about that later when I realized what I've done. I've told him I regret that and that I really appreciate his efforts and we have a good relationship now. So many feelings swirling around my head, I can't really address her feelings in my own absorption into my own world and I go to bed to try and sleep and recovery from a hard week. But the thoughts still swirl around my head. I try to focus on some sports radio, but I don't like to enjoy the Yankees struggles, despite also being against Yankee entitlement. Can you have compassion for entitlement suffering. Yes, I can.... for myself and others.

(Source)

Introduction: Like the squirrel in the photo above, we can miss a lot of we don't pay attention.

Inspiration for blog:

1. Donnel B. Stern wrote an article and a book called Unformulated Experience. That got me thinking that I would like to formulate my experience. His original paper was published in 1983.

2. "Emotions, in my experience, aren't covered by single words. I don't believe in "sadness," "joy," or "regret." Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I'd like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic train-car constructions like, say, "the happiness that attends disaster." Or: "the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy." I'd like to show how "intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members" connects with "the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age." (From the novel Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides (p217))

3. Focusing by Eugene Gendlin

Purpose: I hope through prose and poetry to formulate my experience.

Example: You know that thin layer of contempt when you explain to someone something you think they should know.