There's the combination of outrage at myself and at my ex, when I realize that when I've gone over to pick up my children, and they are not there. I have not communicated effectively enough with my ex, and my ex has taken advantage of the situation. They probably had something good planned,and I am happy for them, for rich activities. But the pang of not getting my sons when I expected them. The walk home has loneliness and confusion. How much blame should I accept? I can only control myself and I vow to communicate better. There is no need to blame, but focus towards solutions in the future.
When my ex doesn't pick up the phone I momentarily panic because I fear she has taken the children and absconded. That is just the panic talking, I realize, and then I realize that that fear inside me is quite unpleasant, how fragile and vulnerable the central part of my existence is. Is it the media's fault for putting such examples into my head, or am I being realistic that that is a true possibility. I decide it is not realistic, and most likely, I feel the dread of once again not communicating effectively with my ex.
I have created this relationship that will forever be one of pain for both of us. I could have done things better, and treated her better, and avoided all the pain that we have inflicted on each other. There still would have been pain, but I've increased it by the way I left her. But I forgive myself for not doing something perfectly, something hard that many people don't know how to do right. I forgive myself for not being more skillful at avoiding pain in others, even though that is a central concern of mine. I'm am a very flawed human, who also loves and misses his children when he expects them, and they are not there.
Then what are my feelings about the disappointment with my girlfriend. She is very important to me, and we'd made plans for the time with my boys. She has outsider status, she's the father's girlfriend. They have known her for a long time, and they quite like her, but they also resist her, and that has hurt her. I resisted my step father, and I always felt guilty about that later when I realized what I've done. I've told him I regret that and that I really appreciate his efforts and we have a good relationship now. So many feelings swirling around my head, I can't really address her feelings in my own absorption into my own world and I go to bed to try and sleep and recovery from a hard week. But the thoughts still swirl around my head. I try to focus on some sports radio, but I don't like to enjoy the Yankees struggles, despite also being against Yankee entitlement. Can you have compassion for entitlement suffering. Yes, I can.... for myself and others.
When my ex doesn't pick up the phone I momentarily panic because I fear she has taken the children and absconded. That is just the panic talking, I realize, and then I realize that that fear inside me is quite unpleasant, how fragile and vulnerable the central part of my existence is. Is it the media's fault for putting such examples into my head, or am I being realistic that that is a true possibility. I decide it is not realistic, and most likely, I feel the dread of once again not communicating effectively with my ex.
I have created this relationship that will forever be one of pain for both of us. I could have done things better, and treated her better, and avoided all the pain that we have inflicted on each other. There still would have been pain, but I've increased it by the way I left her. But I forgive myself for not doing something perfectly, something hard that many people don't know how to do right. I forgive myself for not being more skillful at avoiding pain in others, even though that is a central concern of mine. I'm am a very flawed human, who also loves and misses his children when he expects them, and they are not there.
Then what are my feelings about the disappointment with my girlfriend. She is very important to me, and we'd made plans for the time with my boys. She has outsider status, she's the father's girlfriend. They have known her for a long time, and they quite like her, but they also resist her, and that has hurt her. I resisted my step father, and I always felt guilty about that later when I realized what I've done. I've told him I regret that and that I really appreciate his efforts and we have a good relationship now. So many feelings swirling around my head, I can't really address her feelings in my own absorption into my own world and I go to bed to try and sleep and recovery from a hard week. But the thoughts still swirl around my head. I try to focus on some sports radio, but I don't like to enjoy the Yankees struggles, despite also being against Yankee entitlement. Can you have compassion for entitlement suffering. Yes, I can.... for myself and others.
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